my life as of now

my life is falling apart and i have no idea how to juggle all the little strings that are comming l o o s e to bring them (together) where they're sposed to be. here. together. stable and unwavering.

what the fuck happened this summer? its like ive been pushed off a cliff and just managed to grab on 3/4 of the way down and now the hard part is pulling myself back up again. meanwhile im ruining everything else because everyone else is wasting their time running around looking for the me. the me that was here before the me that was looking over that cliff the minute she decided she would go on that trip from hell this summer- came along. like i said. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

it seems like all the credential parts of my life are perfect. on paper it may seem that way but the ink has a story behind it....and the one from the ink on my resume is not a good one.

how do you keep up the act when everyone can tell your doing a crap job at acting. its like yeah shes good but you know in the back of your mind she's just pretending. why's she pretending though? shouldnt she be able to open up to the people that love her and tell them, ESPECIALLY him, whats going on.

no, not her. she cant do that. why? because shes a coward. shes a fucking coward that needs to get slapped in the face and realize that if she doesnt either le t t h i s g o or CONFRONT it shes gonna loose everything because her mind will be gone. and thats never good. and its just her fucking conscience thats at fault here. because everyone else can see hes an ass but she doesnt want to believe it because how can he be? he's that one male whos contracted to be in her life and be interested unconditionally about it. why cant he just be ExCiTeD for me? i have bragging rights when im with him cuz thats one of the few people im allowed to brag too. why? cuz hes sposed to give me feeeeeeeddddback!

so why does it seem like he b r o k e that contract? doesnt he realize that his actions affect so many MORE people in the life of the contractee?

so who's REALLY at fault here? and can she hold it together?

will she have time for the one she feels she loves(well who knows now cuz he seems to be second thinking...or thats what it seems like since hes not really talking to me) more than that contractor because it seems like for the next couple of months shes gonna be missing out on sleeping and eatting. so hows shes sposed to balance that other part thats so important to her?

fuck that contractor.
fuck that mind.
fuck those tricks.
fuck your way of tWiStInG me.
fuck the way you seem to always be in my mind and never letting me BE the person i was before i went to see you.
fuck the fact that i cant seem to go a day without thinking about how my life is scarred and how YOU were the one with the knife and the closed eyes.

why am i saying fuck to everything?
because thats what you said when you left.

"fuck my contractee. she doesnt need me. she wont feel the void that i make when im gone. it wont ruin her life forever. not at all . and since she'll see me every break and talk to me on the phone she will NEVER EVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER change from this 12 year old girl im leaving behind. she'll never change. she'll always be the same person."

fuck
fuck
fuck all that shit.

who the hell does he think he is? my dad? most certainly not. more like a father.



"When your social life goes up in flames, tell me. That means its time for a promotion."- devil wears prada


so where's my damn award and corner office? and why aren't i fucking happy?